Scheme Factory

Friday, February 18, 2011

Nobody likes minnesota

No-one Likes Minnesota
by warvette

there are many reasons why no-one likes minnesota

near-beer and dead deer, minnesotans party hardy
vikings sure do make you snore, can hear you through your trailer door
tie-dyed shirts and hiking boots: the standard uniform you wear
i hope your hippie ass gets eaten by a punkrock grizzly bear

there's more reasons why i don't like minnesota
there's many reasons nobody likes minnesota

minnesotans pride themselves on being the outdoorsy type
they go outside to use the potty- even jesse the governing body
that reminds me of some of the minnesotans i do not adore
the vikings, twinkies, timberwolves and goofy-looking craig kilborn
bad haircuts and bad ideas, and self-important to the core
all along the watchtower was purple rain, need i say more?

there's many reasons why i don't like minnesota
how can anybody stand minnesota?

cuz if you travel far and wide, and tan your pale minnesotan hide
and get some culture inside ya- you'd stop being a little canada

there's a lot more reasons no-one likes minnesota

your state is flatter than wisconsin, you ain't got no rolling hills
and you lost four superbowls: you may as well be the buffalo bills
have you seen the gold and green smashing through your tv screen?
indoor football go away, and take minnesota wit ya, hey!

i don't like minnesota
i don't like minnesota
i don't like minnesota
no-one likes minnesota

Friday, January 28, 2011

Unrealistic expectations
Come around to my way of thinking....

In the mid 1940's a world war had just ended, which destroyed every other industrialized country in the world's ability to build products. The recovery effort was top priority. The only country not extensively attacked, the United States, was left to supply the world for the next decade with heavy machinery, and durable consumer goods. This resulted in an incredible jump in the U.S. standard of living, as everybody could be employed with a high paying job. Ever talk to an old person? Shit, it seems like they all want America to go back to the 50's or something. I'm sure it was the good old days! But go back to the 50's?!?
Here's why we can't: The other countries began recovering from rebuilding, and our large chunk of global trade began to shrink. More and more nations with large populations became industrialized, and reality began setting in during the 60's and 70's, as - single income households were no longer feasible. Women's lib? A necessity. The country was used to a standard of living, and a certain amount of money was needed to buy the new things made available. Wives went to work.
The 80's and 90's? Sucker, please. Credit cards? That's gonna keep everyone living the high life when it's clearly not real?!?
All of this. To service an ideal held by a generation that keeps thinking we can return to sweeter times.
I've seen the future, old timer. It looks just like your very distant past...
9:00 PM
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3 Sep 2009
Dontchya Know
Expectation is the biggest part of disappointment.
A whole lot of conflict would be avoided and never happen if all parties understood the above statement and were also honest with themselves.
"They brought me french fries when I clearly ordered onion rings." So? Are you allergic to fries? I like fries. Why would someone send back fries? Just because they had their heart set on rings? If our heart wasn't really all that set, it won't be all that broken. For God's sake, when life gives you lemons- just shut up and eat your fucking lemons, ya pussy.
And fries? Way more tasty than lemons last I checked.
1:37 PM
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29 May 2009
Despite all my rage....
Alright, I don't quite know how to say this, so I'm just gonna. I'm seriously considering becoming a dirt-eater. Yes, you read that right. My friend Aaron lives on a hippie commune in northern California and has been extolling its benefits to me for a couple years now. I never was even close to thinking that might be the move for me, but recent events have changed my mind.
First of all, fuck the city. Cities are just centers for commerce, and sitting in traffic in sweltering heat so I can go make somebody else more money than I'll get for my work, pisses me off to my very soul. There are few things more indignifying, but a few of my friends not only think it's necessary, they think it's possible I could accept a life of commuting, and being a tool for the man. I can't.
A little story: A few years back, I returned one day from fighting wildfires in the Oregon coastal mountains (for 8 bucks an hour- I shitchyew not), only to find my girlfiend sitting in her liviingroom with a cage containing a small bunny sitting in the middle of the floor. The cat had brought the rabbit into the house, where the girlfriend caught it, and bought a cage and rabbit food at the store. I looked into this scared bunny's eyes and said "You need to let this thing go, it's gonna die." She refused, said I was stupid and that she wanted it for a pet. Literally, just a few minutes later, the bunny crawled into the corner, layed on its side, and went into shock. The girlfriend screamed, and took it outside but it was too late. After consoling her, I explained that I knew the look in the little fucker's eyes and that you just can't cage a wild animal.
So that's it. I hate to be all dramatic, but I'm that rabbit, and I've never expected anyone to understand. But maybe, just maybe, some filthy, stinking fucking hippies would...
1:51 PM
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8 May 2009
Won't the banking industry be my pet?
Nerdley the cat has gone a.w.o.l. again just days before his neutering apointment. Same thing happened last year when I had to cancel his appointment after he got attacked by coyotes. This got me thinking about the pets I've had in my life- almost all of which died untimely or gruesome deaths. Check it out:

Starting with the dog the family had when I was born, here's all the pets I've ever had-
Booger the german sheppard- died of cancer in his prime.
Goliath the german sheppard- hit by a car.
Smokey the cat- hit by a car.
An entire aquarium of fish- I left the aquarium heater on too high and woke up X-mas morning to all the fish floating in my new fish tank.
George the chameleon lizard I had for 5 years- dad thought he looked dead and buried him when I was visiting my sister in Reno.
Rusty the dog- saw him get hit by a car driven by the girl who had given the dog to my dad 10 years earlier.
Phyllis the cat- licked some car antifreeze off the garage floor.
3 pirhanas- Some girl dumped a beer in the aquarium during a party I wasn't even at.
Bob the iguana- crawled on my back during the night- I woke up with a dead 12 pound lizard on me just hours before his vet appointment.
Pat the iguana- Left to a galfriend.
Thornton the snapping turtle- set him free- this guy might actually still be alive!
Hambone the cat- little shit choked on something and died in my hands.
Loaf the iguana- crawled down the sleeve of a flannel shirt I was given that day, and suffocated.
Little Dude the cat- hit by a car while chasing a chipmunk.
Nerdley the cat-???

Now, luckily we happen to have a spare cat, Boner, just laying around the farm which helps ease the loss of Nerdley, and I am, of course, used to this sort of thing. Roommate Travis technically claims ownership of the cat, which might help his chances, though he does hang out with me a lot. With my track record of tragedy I think I may hold off on calling anything my pet, for their sake.
Though I do wish, somehow, I could adopt the Minnesota Vikings, and the Chicago Cubs from the pound.
7:23 AM
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11 Apr 2009
Recipe for Homemade Warvette
(from 1996)

Ingredients you will need:
*One anonymous human torso
*Two homemade scrapwood guitars
*A ski-mask
*Two heaping handfulls of fuck you

Slowly stir the heaping handfulls of fuck you with the human torso. Let simmer many years. Bake thoroughly.
Add scrapwood guitars. Top with ski-mask.

Best served when they least expect it.

Fuck you and your way of doing things.
10:01 AM
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27 Mar 2009
Honk if you love "The System"
One of the great things about growing older is that people tend to question your logic less. There were many kids I wanted to punch, back in "The Day", when they wouldn't accept that it was o.k. to swim less than an hour after eating. I even had one friend in the trailer park who's mother had him believing grapes would make you sick unless they were soaked in the sink for over an hour. I would sneak grapes from the sink when his mom wasn't looking, to the shock and horror of my friend, of course.
I'm not saying don't listen to your mother, I'm saying that questioning the reasoning of authority is not only healthy, it's the only way. We could all be a little more Tyler Durden-ish and let that which does not matter TRULY slide.
Crazy superstition, rules, religion, and whathaveyou- part of the inescapability of human drama. Logical people know it's just very un-damn-likely all un-soaked grapes would make you sick. How probable is it that swimming WHILE eating will result in a trip to the emergency room? I mean for crying out fucking loud. NOW I'm supposed to believe the value of gold can actually change. GOLD!
So, while it's easy to fool a kid, these kids become adults who can be made to believe many things, like their home is really worth what they owe on it- Im just saying.
Condition me to blindly believe in things that don't exist, eh? That's how sociopaths are created. Some wack-job with a rifle hiding behind a billboard with "Honk if you're worried about your retirement fund!" on it. Thats where that kid who finally ate a fresh grape and thought "Hheyy.." may just end up.
So, be honest with your kids- grapes are good. Money sucks. Oh, and "The Rules" suck, too.
4:52 PM
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5 Mar 2009
If I was my son I'd be PROUD!
(Note: I recently remembered this story and I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations has expired, so..)

If I can say so myself, my coolness as a kid knew no bounds. I was largely ignored as a child (oh, boo hoo) which allowed me to get away with all kinds of shit. It was awesome. Flying under the radar has been my m.o. forever, but when I was 11 I began acting up to get attention. We had just moved after Ma remarried, and I was stuck with adjusting to a new school full of snooty shitheads in the middle of my 6th grade year.
One day I was being a dick in Mrs. VanGrinzven's class- I'm pretty sure I called her Mrs. Van Grizzly-bear to her face- and she dragged me down the hall by the ear to the principal's office. The principal was busy, so I had to sit and wait for the hammer to fall. I waited.. and waited until I realized.."Hey wait. I'm in the principal's office BY MYSELF!"
So, I did what any kid with balls the size of the planets would do- I started rifling through the drawers in the pricipal's desk. Well, right there in the top drawer was a stack of tickets for the Appleton Foxes minor-league baseball team! A whole stack! All general seating. Well, I helped myself to 5 of them, stuck them in my pocket and returned to my seat, nobody the wiser.
Now, I don't remember if I ever asked anyone else to go (I had no friends and probably just wanted to keep my mouth shut), or just wanted to cash in all the free hotdog and soda vouchers printed on the back of the tickets, but I somehow got a ride to and from the game and just sat there, by myself, not even at all interested in baseball, and ate 5 hotdogs and drank 5 sodas. At the age of 11, this was the equivelant of doing mental high-fives with God.
I don't have any kids, (allegedly) but I can't help but think that, if I had a son that pulled the same caper, I would first laugh, then cry because- hey, the kid's all growed up and ready to take on the whole fucking world and doesn't need ME anymore!
9:26 AM
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17 Feb 2009
Playing basketball against a dog- the workout (a how-to)
THINGS YOU WILL NEED:

*A basketball hoop- preferably with an uneven, gravel playing surface, and a giant old rusty steel bbq/smoker that Steve Davis donated sitting right next to the basket, and a basketball
*A dog- preferably a maniacal frisbee-catchin' working dog type who wants that damn ball
*The fear of tetanus

PLAYING RULES:

You, as the human with the blessing of opposable thumbs, must dribble the ball at all times- even when walking the ball back to top of the "key" after made shots. You can't shoot or start toward the basket until the dog goes after the ball or gets between you and the basket. There is no "out of bounds".

SCORING:

Play to 11 or 21-hafta win by 2.
1 point for each made basket by you.
If the dog touches the ball at any time, even if you dribble it off him- 1 point for the dog.
Here's where the challenging playing surface comes into play: If you travel, double-dribble, palm the ball, dribble it off your foot, or get a rebound whithout the ball having touched the rim- 1 point for the dog.
If you miss 3 consecutive shots- 1 point for the dog.

You really have to continue trying throughout the whole game, or you might lose to a dog.
I haven't lost yet, but Kenny The Spaz forced the last game I played him into overtime (the win by 2 factor).
It's a good workout, as three games will last more than a half-hour. It's just a game of keep-away to the dog, but when you start to tire, you start to worry.
Jesus Christ, I'm bored and lonely- won't somebody come out to the farm and play basketball with me?!?!?!
6:16 PM
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14 Feb 2009
First of all, I'd like to give all the glory to Jah...
The "put your songs on your myspace page" thingy has been disabled all week, which is why the Warvette songs were dropped on ourstage.com's doorstep like a flaming bag of screaming poo. Ourstage encourages you to enter songs in competitions to sucker fools into listening. And..
*I am proud to announce that, due to its mainstream appeal and wholesome classiness, "Micro Paycheck" has skyrocketed up in rankings from #757 in the "alt. rock" category all the way to #751!!!
This is a great honor. I'd like to thank my road manager, Warvette, for always sticking by me, and I'd be a criminal for not mentioning Warvette, my agent/sound tech for making such an effort to create a perfect, clean sound. My condolences to all the losers, but somebody has to finish last...
...hold up. I may have read that wrong..
I guess six songs' time had expired, and six more have been added- son of a...that really chaps my hide. Oh, well- they'd have probably bowed out in fear of Warvette anyway!
5:36 PM
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12 Feb 2009
Listen to Warvette songs on the intraweb i guess
can listen to four songs I recorded in the barn I live in, on a glorified walkman and a realistic mc1000 microphone, which I found in the barn. search warvette at this place:
www.ourstage.com WHOO!
9:26 PM
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26 Jan 2009
Authentic attempt at Positivity
Just as my commitment to remain the bigger person was wearing off, I noticed my lips were bitten almost completely through. This came right after the sense of betrayal had fully set in. Well, "Style and class" ain't exactly my middle name, so the words "Thanks for the opportunity to make you lots of money!" blurted out at top volume.
I had ignored how our crew was excluded from their reindeer games. Overlooked the fact that, even though they couldn't pull off their dog and pony show without us, they resented us for it; treated us like a neccessary evil. Then, after being tasked with 1 impossible chore too many, only to be told our effort came up just short of perfection- my dignity and self-respect got the better of me. I would have never ever forgiven myself if I'd responded otherwise.
So, thus ends my reign as camp counselor, or whatever it was I was doing...
7:00 PM
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14 Jan 2009
Reality vs. Truth
1984: "O.J. Simpson was considered for the role of the Terminator, but the producers feared he was "too nice" to be taken seriously as a cold-blooded killer." This is reality. His image was thick enough to convince a jury of his peers as well.

"A 51 year old Wisconsin man died of exposure after sleepwalking from his home tuesday in 30-below-zero temperatures". This is truth. Life is trying to kill you.

"The FDA has approved a prescription drug for growing longer, lusher eyelashes". This is , unfortunately, part of our reality, that the truth doesn't matter as much as what the bat of an eye can convince somebody of.

"A truck overturned spilling 43,000 pounds of cheese, closing a Gary, Indiana highway." Tragically, really true.

These are blurbs from the local media today. My world, as yours is, is shaped by the information that squeaks past the skepticism and the ability to mock most things I just don't trust.
But, listen. Somebody may have the most convincing, charming eyelashes in the world. They may have been lucky enough to avoid all kinds of pitfalls that sometimes dominate our personal landscape, and have "achieved" all kinds of "success". Somebody might have accumulated all the cheese in the world and that might be their lucky reality. But, the truth is, you can't take it with you.
3:56 PM
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6 Jan 2009
Fiduciary-bags think money really matters (A sad story?)
The former world's 44th richest person, Adolf Merckle, committed suicide monday by throwing himself in front of a train. Though I get no kicks out of enjoying the misfortune of others, I can't exactly feel pity on a soul who saw the dwindling of his amassed fortune of $12.8 Billion to a mere $9.2 Billion as a reason to cash in his only real chip.
Life is the most precious thing in the entire universe, motherfucker. Always has been and always will be.
6:07 PM
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1 Jan 2009
You know you want it
Owen, Dorn, and I started a new band called 'Yuno Yawannit'. 'First you move to your left then you shake your yuno- singin 'Yuno...Yawannit!'.' We've played together once, and it's fit like an old smelly shoe. In the 12 years I've played a noisemaker this is the first time I've played with others. It made me feel all, Yuno. Alas, we may end up just being a t-shirt band as nobody knows how to get ahold of Dorn.
Sample lyrics from a day of scaring the neighbors:

'Sappy'

When I'm unhappy
good things happen
like writing a song that makes me happy
which makes me not

There's just something 'bout misery
that gets the best things out of me
like a song that's so sad
it makes you feel glad

Just like a medicine
that's hard to swallow
to feel all full again
I must first feel hollow

It's just always too rosey
and it can never to be too bad
like a song that's so sad
it makes you feel glad

Like a song that's so bad
it makes everybody mad
6:04 PM
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19 Dec 2008
Climb the hill, speed down the hill
Some boner, long ago, left a 9-foot sailboard in the barn I currently inhabit. All the recent snow had The Dave and I inspired to do some sledding because there's a huge-ass cow-pasture hill right next to the barn. It, maybe, shoulda never been attempted. My back feels like an old rusty chain today, but, man I'll tell ya- at that point of momentary shock when you realize you couldn't slow down no matter what you do, and bailing-out is a lose-lose proposition- you feel alive because- that's life, baby. Holding on tight and riding it out is some of the toughest shit you'll have to decide on. Idea+Gumption=Fruition of the Idea.
Even if some kid was crying about his mangled sailboard.
6:16 PM
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12 Dec 2008
What IS Punk?
My Mom has never called me "Lance". Her name for me, since the day I was born is "Punk" (because I was fat like a pumpkin). I'm not making this up or trying to say it for affect- I've been "Punk" all my life to the person who's known me the longest.
As a kid, I never cared too much about success at anything. I always considered myself an animal first, an individual second, and a human being third, and I didn't feel I owed anybody an explanation for my actions. When I was a young'n I felt surrounded by go-getters, or, otherwise, people influenced by those whose expectations made them do and act differently than they would if they were truly free. But, y'know, people never change.
The Army tolerated me for only 15 months. One university kicked me out after a semester, the other one after a year, though I applied myself the second time.
All the "Joe" jobs and addresses probably add up to over a hundred. All the cheap cars, and evictions, and brokenheartedness. The people who've yelled at me and whom I've yelled at. Total elation.
I care. A lot. But I don't worry. About anything. A lot of people worry about things I could never care about. Just maybe that's why folks who don't even know me think I'm "A" punk.
I'll wear them both because my Mom still loves me and I do, very much, favor eating the rich.
(The term "Eat the rich" is coming back in vogue lately that's why)
4:36 AM
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2 Nov 2008
Fuck you and your way of doing things (lyrics)
Fuck you and your way of doing things (1998 by warvette)

"Don't you know that your shit is all wrong?"
Fuck you and your way of doing things
I didn't find my brain in an alley-way
I didn't ask for the favor that you bring

"What you gotta do is dig a bigger hole."
What your mom's gotta do is hear me sing:
Fuck you and your way of doing things

"Don'tchya know back in my day we had it made?"
Fuck you and your way of doing things
Cuz it was all about money and buyin shit
Your game is weak Got no wheels Got no wings

"What you shoulda done is let me make your choice."
What your mom shoulda done is quit smoking

Fuck you and your way of doing things
Fuck you and your way of doing things
1:20 AM
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28 Nov 2008
Extraordinarily abnormally normal (lyrics)
Extraordinarily Abnormally Normal
(1998 by Warvette)

Thinking about the future
worrying about the past
cuz the present always fucking blows anyway
most of the time I feel like doing nothing all day
except getting laid of course

My best advice is to
not take advice from
anyone cuz most people fucking blow anyway
all at once I'm lost and found
and getting more of both every day

There's nothing more to...

Extraordinarily abnormally normal
11:53 AM
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26 Nov 2008
Let's get one thing straight right now
I don't use the word 'hate' much. I try to remain positive. I, however, have no problem using the word in reference to my 3 most despised things ever. #3: Mosquitos #2: Minnesota and #1: Money.
I fucking hate money with all my being. And it isn't what you might think. Money is so easy to make and spend- I wish I could say I don't care about it at all. But, then today, for instance I had to wash a 100 foot yacht which, when I walked onto it, illicited a rude 'Can I help you?' from the guy aboard. That's fine, but this kind of thing will sometimes remind me of my favorite thoughts:
Humans started as scavengers, then began living in groups- everybody gathers and hunts, and everybody shares the resources. Sounds like socialism. But one weasel decided he'd beat everyone to the punch and collect up all the resources to sell in his discount superstore cave to everyone. The first 'The Man' who owned and still controls more than the rest of us combined.
And this thought: During the 'Great Leap Forward' which led to the Proletariat Cultural Revolution in late 1960's China, anything representing any kind of privilege was not tolerated. The government even quietly encouraged the people to eat the rich, which they did. Not one of the proudest moments in human history you say? True, Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer aren't exactly heroes. But, I'm saying they WOULD BE if they'd eaten bankers instead of neighbor ladies and young boys! That's just a fact!
Anyway, don't go gettin the idea that I was looking at the 'Can I help you' guy on his many-million-dollar-yacht and thinking about thanksgiving dinner, but I saw a pretty big barbecue on that yacht, and it probably had a big oven or two.
2:06 PM
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24 Oct 2008
Petting the cat gave me a rash?
Today I "ha-ha"'d at Steve Davis for being white. I'm just trying to keep it light as my skin has gone completely red , puffy, and itchy for the third time in three weeks due to one whale of an initial exposure to poison-oak, which I am so allergic to, makes my immune system try to kill me.
Nerdley, my damn cat, hadn't come home for a day or so, and, when the fucker came in that morning, I was glad to see him so, shirtless, I picked him up, never considering:
Coming in contact with the cat, when you don't know where it's just been, can teach you a lesson in botany. The little shit must've been rolling in and running through the vile weed, because there are clearly reoccurring cat-shaped patterns of rash on my arms and abdomen. It's art.
What's that? I should shun the cat? But I love the cat. More than ever. Shots and more pills, and cat-scrubbing. Ha-ha!
Be careful, friends. Keep your cat clean.
7:02 AM
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6 Nov 2008
PAIN like a Ministry video
HOLYSHITFUCKINGGODNOTHISISN'HAPPENING!!!

FOR ART'S SAKE! THINGS WERE GOING ALONG JUST FINE IN THE WORLD OF MOTIVATION. HAVING A SHITBAG FOR A LEADER MADE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER.
KNOWING WHAT TO MAKE FUN OF.
DAILY PROOF OUR WORLD WAS EVIL.
SOMEBODY TO CALL 'THE MAN' WHO WAS EASY TO HATE! MY GOD WHAT TO DO NOW?
IT WAS SO EASY TO EXPLAIN AWAY BEING A HEATHEN. 'I'M TRAINING TO BE PRESIDENT'.
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
WITHOUT A 'THE MAN', WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE THE REST OF US?

Be sure to tune in to warvette's next blog:
'It's gonna be a long, cold winter- let's start slaughtering the richfolk.'
7:11 PM
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20 Oct 2008
Why Warvette?
It's time I explain why the name 'Warvette' is anything. I have, very honestly, wrestled with trying to post this type of thing on a damn myspace page, and have deleted drafts that were much too autobiographical. (see 'a day in the life of warvette part 3 'a walk down the sociopath'' available now on dvd for that)
Anyway, I really don't want to get all therapeutic and stuff on a computer, so, for the sake of brevity:
This woman broke my heart in the worst way a woman can break a man's heart. A lifetime of woe came down on me. I had an old guitar I'd traded some car speakers for 7 years earlier. I started to play it and applied philosophy from a book I'd recently written, in an effort to write songs that would 'show that bitch'- which, as I am to understand it, is probably the reason most young men do anything.
The name 'warvette' came to me in a dream during that period. In my dream I was an idealistic attack device- with corvette precision fast and powerfull. The name was in my dream as clear as the vision of myself doing this thing; being this thing called 'warvette'. I made that dream real when I made a couple guitars from mostly scrap wood and started to play for people, but, wearing a ski-mask. I thought the mask was a symbol of rebellious anonnymity, but it was more of a riddle and a barrier and now I prefer the folks I play for to be able to see me..... Now it's getting autobiographical.
My name is Lance Weldon. I was in the army, but am not a veteran of any war. A few years ago I considered using the name 'Sociopath' instead of Warvette when I play music because there are a lot of real war veterans in our generation and I didn't want to confuse or disrespect. But, 12 years after starting to do/be warvette, things are the same as when the Dead Milkmen first said it- 'We're all veterans of a fucked-up world'
1:41 PM
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19 Oct 2008
Warvette/Answer vs. Truth (lyrics)
Warvette/Answer vs. Truth by warvette (1996)

Oh Lord I've been having some bad night-mares

about a thing that's called warvette
about some thing that's called warvette

its destination is your mom
it's coming to a mom near you
it's coming in a mom near you and can't slow down

lemme tell ya why....

It's because the wealthy hate need
and no-one's fucking free
because the poor just NEED more
when no-one's fucking free
and then the man takes the land and then
no-one's fucking free
no-one's fucking free

because the people fight each other, man
when no-one's fucking free
fight the man- he's not your brother-man
cuz no-one's fucking free
you gotta eat the rich when
no-one's fucking free
cuz no-one's fucking free

I bet you thought:
it's called being rather than seeming to be
because they'll make you 86 your personal reality
and it'll make you fucking sick the way that
they're allowed to breathe when
no-one's fucking free

I'm just so tired of thinking about
what I always seem to be thinking about
when there's nothing better to think about
cuz no-one's fucking free
not even your mom

And then you'll hear them say
that you couldn't know anyway
and you have no place to stay
HEY!
8:23 AM
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6 Oct 2008
All that I am (lyrics)
All that I am (march2008) by Warvette

I can sing about anything that I want to
for a little while until they find out

I wanna eat the apple
directly from the tree
buying apples at the store just
never made much sense to me
dicks decided long ago
that monkeys needed money

they try to lure the pure animal outta me
with lotsa toys and noisy shiny crap I think I need

are not a atom-bomb a animal?

and all you hear from them
is eat an apple every day
whether it's a store or doctor
pay somebody either way
it's all pursuit of happiness
with no money

they try to steal the real animal outta me
I'll steal a tank, kill the bank and make it all free

are not a atom-bomb a animal
I'm not a atom-bomb. a animal.

I can sing about anything that I want to
for a little while until they find out

they try to pull the pure animal outta me
they're gonna pay with no money when it's a paper dream

are not a atom-bomb a animal?
I'm not a atom-bomb. a animal.
6:56 PM
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29 Sep 2008
The time I met Pat Paulsen
In this, an election year, it's kinda cool to be able to pull this one out:
The year was 1992 and America was once again looking for change. I was making a little change working at one of those old-timey dressup photo studios for the summer in a little tourist town called Wisconsin Dells. (It boasts the worlds gnarliest waterparks, motherfucker) It was hotter than shit, and very busy that summer and, for that reason, politicians were cruising the area as the streets were full of potential voters.
Why, I met a few hard-hitters that summer like former WI Governor Tommy Thompson, and even shook hands with the likes of then future Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI), who looked me in the eyes and asked 'Are you voting this year?' To which I replied 'Oh, heck yeah!' He smiled and walked on down the sidewalk.
But nobody was more of a magnet in that town that summer than a dude named Geechy Guy. Geechy Guy is a comedian, and friend of everyone in the area, and he happened to be playing a role in the political campaign of a certain Pat Paulsen, who, and I'm assuming you know who he was, had beaten Ross 'Giant sucking sound' Perot in the North Dakota primary just months before. I had talked with Geechy Guy in the past, and was enamored with the thought of meeting someone as iconic as Pat Paulsen, though I knew, as a 22 year old dumbass, I would embarrass myself and- sure enough, I did.
'Lance, I'd like you to meet Pat.' He turned his head just enough to see me out of the corner of his eye from his barstool seat. 'Good to meet you Mr. Paulsen. When I see your comedy it makes me just shit. I just SHIT!' I said. Now, Pat Paulsen was known for his deadpan delivery of such lines as 'If elected, I will win.' and 'I've upped my standard, now up yours'. This punk kid standing there meant nothing to him. He didn't even nod, or anything. He looked not even there, or at least somewhat put out by having to be there and turn his head to look at some schmuck. Maybe he had been drinking all day- I know I had been...
Yesterday, Sept. 28, there was an event honoring Mr. Paulsen, posthumously (he lost a battle with cancer in 1997), in San Francisco for his lifetime of making people appreciate the funny in things many folks had previously thought sacred. What better thing could a comedian do?
Some people say there was a cover-up as to how many write-in votes Paulsen got. I gotta admit..I lied to a U.S. Senator. I don't fucking vote.
2:15 PM
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21 Sep 2008
My date last night.
So, this supermodel I know wanted to go out. She talked me into coming to the NW side of Port-land to meet her. I'm unfamiliar with the part of town...because I'm normally against going there entirely. Parked two houses down the hill from her fancy apartment was a new, red Ferrari with the license-plate reading: "RU18QT"- I shit you not. This was not even the first clue that I was out of my element.
She looked like a million bucks- people were staring . Showing off her "fabulous" shoes she'd just bought, we decided to hoof it. The only place near there I would consider going to voluntarily is the Matador- a bar that's sleazy, dirty, and unpretentious about it. She gamely gave it a try.
She asked the lovely bartender "What kind of wines do you have?" to which the bartender replied "Red and white." Perfect so far.
After a few we decided to walk until we found a restaurant that was right. Somehow, Typhoon (trendy thai) was the one we walked into. Then I walked into this: just as I'm shoveling (fuck chopsticks) the first forkfulls of food into my mouth she says "If you could hit a 'reset' button on the world, how would you restart it?" To which I replied with a full mouth "No money!" "What?" she said. So, I finished chewing and reiterated "There would be no money in my world."
UH-OH!!
If, at any time, you're sure sport-fucking is just not worth the trouble- here's the way to make sure it won't happen: MENTION YOU HATE MONEY!
The conversation that ensued was absolutely exhausting. She made it very clear she could no longer respect what I had to say, which was convenient, because I spent the remainder of this lost cause discussing how big my dick is, and how there has to be women more grounded in reality who'd want it.
She made some reference to a movie called "Lars and the Real Girl". I'm gonna have to check it out. As long as the only place to see it isn't in the snooty part of town... Integrity- 1. Selling out- 0.
12:15 AM
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14 Sep 2008
Bernie the Crooked Cop (1998) Lyrics
"the walls are hosed down,
and the hoes are walled down
let's open for business"
says Bernie the Crooked Cop

"start kickin some heads in
take money from children"
well, he's always right
and you're not

"you're everyone's problem
look at you- you look lika BUM!
well, bernie's gotta stop em!"
and kick'nd beat'nd robbem

that's Bernie the Crooked Cop
5:58 AM
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29 Aug 2008
Nobody thinks they're an asshole (lyrics)
Nobody thinks they're an asshole (2005)

It is what it be and it'll always test you and me
then there may come a day you see you've handled it poorly
then get another hit of that shit- you keep doing it
it's fine until the time that your mind knows why

Then you'll feel like an asshole
nobody knows they're an asshole
until they've nearly lost control

You bet all that you get and then regret ever being set
cuz fat is where it's at and that's a fact, Jack
but, the game remains the same if you be lame and just run away
you may as well confront the hell that dwells you in your cell

Or you'll feel like an asshole
nobody thinks they're an asshole
until they know it's time to grow

Nobody thinks they're an asshole
nobody knows they're an asshole
unless they've given up their soul
6:49 PM
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29 Aug 2008
Suzanna shake your rump (lyrics)
Suzanna Shake Your Rump (2005)

Sunrise says many things- for instance: 'get your ass in or out of bed'
Just try- see what it brings
or go and take the time to clear your head instead

Shake, shake, Suzanna
shake, shake, Suzanna
shake, shake, Suzann- I don't even know anybody named Suzanna

Dinner time- stomach sings
the dog and wind are howling: something made 'em mad
don't try- see what it brings
or go and shake tonight the only thing you have

Shake, shake, Suzanna

Everyone has got their pleasure
trash to some is someone else's treasure in measure
maybe you are not the same soul, heart, and brain
don't make you need to be so lame

So, shake, shake, Suzanna

This is for the ladies to shake their rumps to
6:32 PM
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29 Aug 2008
Crushed Human (lyrics)
Crushed Human (2001)

Get a nice new car and drive it on out to the farm
don't forget the A/C to keep you far from harm
won't go broke paying off all the stuff you just bought

That's why desperate people sell it all for drugs and booze- it's a lot simpler to not have anything to lose

It's all crushing me

A sleeping bag and a cardboard box keep me warm
prefer my thunder in a bottle not in a storm
but I rocked too hard and I went and got us all caught

And that's why desperate people sell it all for drugs and booze- it's a lot simpler to not have anything to lose

It's all crushing me
it's all crushing me
6:25 PM
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17 Aug 2008
What would you do?
So, hypothetically speaking, if you were faced with having to either watch a young rooster peck-to-death a newly hatched chick,- or stop the killing by whacking the young rooster with a stick, thus, killing it- which would you choose to do? I know this is all relative , however, I'd like to know how other folks feel about it- as I dine on freshly whacked chicken tonight.
3:55 PM
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12 Aug 2008
more lyrics
Mansion Trailer Park (2000)

mansion trailer park-
that's a fancy fuckin' church next to your
mansion trailer park
I'd like to drop some turds in your gated community

in your gated community- I bet you think you've got the best police
that only means you've got a false sense of security

so I'm gonna take a dump in your front yard
in between your fancy shrubs
and I swear to Bob- that you'll never find out it's me
who's befouling your community

I bet you think you're living the American dream
that illusion to you is just the same to me as living in a trailer park

'cuz you might as well get a dog named Rambo
and a wife who wears tubetops and flipflop sandals
drive a beat up Pinto with no door handles
and a cee-ment mailbox 'cuz you're sick of the vandals

in your mansion trailer park
9:10 PM
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12 Aug 2008
more lyrics
Micro Paycheck (1997)

micro paycheck
micro paycheck
what's it gitcha
what's it gitcha

you take a shower and work 8 hours
for a micro paycheck
what's it gitcha

you take a shower and work 8 hours more
...and then you drink

fatty paycheck
fatty paycheck
what's it gitcha
what's it gitcha

same thing as a micro paycheck
cept you don't get evicted
that's all it gits ya

you take a shower then work 8 hours more
then drink more
then work more
then drink more....

and then- aw fuck it
8:56 PM
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4 Aug 2008
Song lyrics

'Getting Old' (There's a reason they make Corvettes and Warvettes) by Warvette (2008)

I want a car that's totally chrome with blacked-out windows
I wonder how that would reflect on me
Loud enough to find out what it looks like to hear light
bouncing off of almost everything

I want a car so fucking fast that it can't be seen
then all the girls will notice me
I wanna find out what it'd feel like to have a passenger seat
and somebody seeing what I see

Well, just because I don't need it doesn't mean I don't have to have it

I want a car that's totally chrome- even the tires and seats
just blinding everyone with absurdity
We're all gonna find out what it looks like from the outside
cuz' when you drive it's hard to see

Well, just because we don't need it doesn't mean we don't have to have it
and just because we don't want it doesn't mean we aren't gonna get it

We're all gonna find out

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