Wednesday, February 6, 2019

THE ADVENTURES OF RAN AND COACHRAN

The Green Bay Packers hired my friend Ran to be their new head coach. Seriously, they look like if you've ever known identical twins, and you can definitely tell them apart because one of them's a high-powered-boy-wonder-genius type, and the other's just like him but the head coach of the Packers.

Here is my collection of side by side photographs of Ran and Coach.. but which is which? I'll  add to this blog for as long as Matt Lafleur stays relevant. Hope you enjoy!

  • The Packers proudly announced their new coach......
  • Meanwhile, Ran and I were just hanging out, rocking steady.
  • Then we were all "holy shit, that dude looks like you, dude!"
  • I was bored, so I decided to add some words to the pictures.
  • But that was all I did to them.
  • Isn't that incredible? Am I seeing double, because it's freaking me out! 
  • Now that you see how this works, let's get back to the story..
  • Telling them apart
  • Can be confusing
  •  Ran and CoachRan are more alike than anyone guessed. 
  • They both love goofing around with friends,
  • And of course, both love bare naked breasts.
  • They know there's a time for hanging loose
  • And a time to make some history
  • They both also love the fishing
  • And talking to the press, though why is a mystery.
  • But the laughing stops, when it's time to get to work..
  • And th..WAIT WHAT THE FUCK, RAN COACHED THE FALCONS? Hm, whatever.
  • Anyway,.. oh yeah
  • The work part is awesome, but we're here to talk about partying, essentially. I mean that's what the hell the Packers are all about! 
  • And they both can party with the best of 'em
  • They're a mirror image of each other, and it's kinda trippy, but the way they love the Packers
  • Is somehow still totally unique.
  • I like to pretend they actually know each other
  • And they just hang out and rock steady
  • Just going around enriching the lives of others

  • TO BE CONTINUED...

Friday, May 13, 2016

Yo Mama Jokes, by Scheme Factory (warvette)

SO FAT:
  • Yo mama so fat, she dances at a rock concert and the song skips.
  • Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
  • Yo mama so fat she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
  • Yo mama so fat, her bathroom scale measures in acres.
  • Yo mama so fat, her senior picture was taken from a hot-air ballon, then she wore it for a shirt.
  • Yo mama's measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm's just as big.
  • Yo mama so fat, they invented the grand canyon so she could take a bath.
  • Yo mama so fat, she tripped over the Chrysler building and landed in Fresno.
  • Yo mama so fat she hula-hooped the Colliseum.
  • Yo mama so fat when she talks to herself it's a long distance call.
  • Yo mama so fat she walked in front of the TV and you missed the rest of the Superbowl.
  • Yo mama so fat, when she was born they had to do a c-section on the hospital.
  • Yo mama so fat she took a bath in the ocean and left a tub-ring on Mount Everrest. 
  • Yo mama so fat when she drives, her ass calls shotgun.
  • Yo mama so fat she doesn't eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
  • Yo mama so fat when she goes to the movies she sits next to EVERYBODY.
  • Yo mama so fat you forgot how ugly she was.
  • Yo mama so fat, she wears J.C. Penney's. THE WHOLE STORE.
  • Yo mama so fat I rolled over twice and was still on top of her and there were two eskimos talkin bout "Welcome to the North Pole!!"
  • Yo mama so fat she's always on a double date with herself.
  • Yo mama so old and so fat, on the first day The Lord said "let there be light.. if this bitch get her big ass out the way!"
  • Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family.
  • Yo mama so fat, the last time the landlord saw her he doubled the rent.
  • Yo mama so fat, when she's standing on the corner, police drive by and yell "Hey, break it up."
  • Yo mama so fat she eats "wheat thicks".
  • Yo mama so fat she looks at a menu and says "OK".


    SO UGLY: 

    • Yo mama so ugly, your dad takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
    • Yo mama so ugly, when she sits at the beach, cats try to bury her.
    • Yo mama so ugly, she put a bag on her head so you'd breastfeed.
    • Yo mama so ugly she can't go to the zoo or they won't let her leave.
    • Yo mama so ugly she broke Skype.
    • Yo mama so ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries.
    • Yo mama so ugly, they're retiring Mr. Yuck and using a sticker of your mom's face.
    • Yo mama so ugly they had to tie a steak around her neck just to get the dog to play with her.
    • Yo mama so ugly, she's only been married ONCE.
    • Yo mama so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water just to get a drink.


    OTHERS:
    • Yo mama so short she needs a ladder to cook me breakfast.
    • Yo mama rides a rascal scooter with a sidecar for her wooden leg and a trailer for her back fat.
    • Yo mama so old, her birth certificate says "expired".
    • Yo mama so poor you ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
    • Yo mama got a neck tattoo on the back says "Don't look down" and on the front say "Don't look up".
    • Yo mama so old, she gave Jesus a swirlie when he was a freshman.
    • Yo mama so stupid she signed up for Email to get sent another welfare check.
    • Yo mama butt so big there's snow on top of it year round.
    • Yo mama got a googly eye she can see when she's got earwax.
    • Yo mama put a diet coke on layaway.
    • Yo mama's butt so big it helps her hit homeruns but when she's rounding second, her ass STILL at home plate.
    • Yo mama's so stupid, she was staring at the orange juice box cuz it said "concentrate".
    • Yo mama's lips so big, she uses the space shuttle for a chapstick tube. 
    • Yo mama's lips so big she rents them out for a bounce room at birthday parties.
    • Yo mama's lips so big when she says the word "blubber" there's an earthquake.
    • Yo mama's lips so big they open the automatic door at walmart when she's still in the car.
    • Yo mama's so poor, Ethiopian kids send her 25 cents a day.
    • Yo mama so stupid she went to the airport and saw a sign said "<--Airport Left" so she went home.
    • Yo mama put a diet coke on layaway.
    • Yo mama such a ho, on halloween her trick was the treat.
    • Yo mama so poor she takes IN the trash.
    • Yo mama's armpits so hairy it looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
    • Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch each other.

    Monday, December 10, 2012

    I KNEW that fucker was going to shoot somebody...

    I moved to the farm in March of 2007, and lived in my camper for a few months, then moved into the upstairs of the barn. There have been many adventures since then, but few serious issues until now.

    Tom moved into the farmhouse about 3 years ago, and all other roommates subsequently left, leaving just the two of us- him in the house, and me in the barn. Things were cool. We hung out and talked every night I was there. We had a fire in the firepit all the time. I like beer. Tom likes dark rum. I bummed smokes off him. We talked about cars, hockey (Tom was an emancipated adult at 17 so he could go play pro hockey in Finland. He's a fucking Minnesotan: Esquire- meaning he's a land owner), and everything, of course.  Chickens. Cats. Dogs. Burning bigass bonfires. Shooting the shit with the hillbilly neighbors. Shooting coyotes. Dude stuff.

    There had been people living there on and off, scandals, and accusations, a robbery earlier this year in which my shotgun, generator, t.v., and two video cameras were stolen, but nothing out of the ordinary for rural Oregon, really. Until Chris moved in.

    March 2012: Tom works at a tire shop in Portland. Chris had been living in his van outside the shop and used the shop's bathroom, which grew old to Tom's boss, who gave Tom a truck and a raise to let Chris move out to the farm. There were 3 empty rooms (and already 14 cars, most of them broken down Saab's, and Chris brought two more vans, btw..). Chris immediately cleaned the house, and began the process of painting the bathroom- an undertaking that would last until now- holyshit, there still isn't a doornob on the bathroom door. 8 months. And he STILL wasn't done painting a 4X8 room as of today. The iceberg of crazy is just showing its tip at this point.

    I opened a drawer in the kitchen one day and saw a pistol. I'm very comfortable and familiar around guns, so it only seemed mostly weird that a guy that just moved in would feel the need to keep a gun in the kitchen drawer. Chris invited me to check it out, a .38 Glock with hollowpoint bullets- one in the chamber. He explained that he used rubber gloves to load the rounds into the clip, because they kept his DNA off the bullets "Cus, you just never know". I remember remarking to Tom that Chris had the vibe of someone who had been to prison before, and that he was willing to go back rather than be made to feel scared or intimidated. And that he was going to shoot someone. Really. I said that back in April or May..

    Over the next few months, there were a few incidents which cemented my belief that Chris was going to shoot somebody, and it would likely be me, Tom, or both of us. Really. Shouting matches over  incredibly sanctimonious demands by Chris happened frequently. He really acted as though the property was his (we rent, and Tom is the only one on a lease). Chris acted like Tom and I were both out to undermine his authority, and as though Tom and I had no right to be there anymore. He complained Tom and I used too much toiletpaper- which I had supplied. Chris yelled that we burned firewood that he had a plan for- firewood Tom had acquired and split, or I had brought as scrap from a deck I was building. Just infinitely unimaginable crazy bullshit is what I thought of it.

    Chris and I had at least 3 major arguments. The first was over the firewood. The second was over me watering my strawberry plants which I had planted 4 years earlier, because he said he had a "plan for them". The other was over just the fact that he was a guest at the farm and should show more respect to Tom, who Chris called a "five year old" and said Tom always went against Chris's wishes. The arguments persisted. I really thought it was beyond ridiculous, so I stayed away.

    Fast forward to last week: I hadn't been staying at the farm for about 3 months, in part because Chris was somebody I didn't want to be around. When he started to prepare the bathroom for painting back in April, he had taken down two paintings of mine, and set them aside. I took them and put them in the barn. Well, on Wednesday of last week, he saw me carrying those paintings to my car. I was bringing them to take pictures of them. He had been strangely sanctimonious about the paintings ever since I took them back but, after all, they were part of a group of paintings my friend The Dave had given to me. Later that day, he apparently went up into the barn looking for them, and left my door open. Tom asked him about the door being open, Chris admitted he'd been up there looking for the paintings, and Tom said "Were you theivin'?" Chris freaked out and left.
    Thursday Chris left Tom a note saying he didn't feel safe in the house anymore, and that Tom had insulted him. This wasn't the first time Chris had said these things, but whatever...

    Last Friday: Tom was upstairs in his room and heard Chris come in. Tom came downstairs to apologize to him. He said that when he did, he said "Sorry, but.." and Chris lost it. He started yelling that there was always a "But..", and got in Tom's face. Yelling. Gesturing. Tom said he turned and walked back to his door, looked back and Chris had reached into the drawer and grabbed the gun, he said something Tom doesn't remember, pointed the gun, and shot Tom in the abdomen from about 8 feet away. Tom says he doubled over and said "You shot me!!", and Chris walked over and held the gun to the back of Tom's head and said something to him, but Tom grabbed the gun, punched Chris in the face, and then Tom ran out. He went to get in his car and he said Chris yelled something about "You're not hurt that bad if you can run. I have another gun in here!"

    Tom drove 7 miles to St. Helens only to find out the clinic there doesn't have 24/7 emergency services, so he turned around and drove the 27 miles to Portland. He says he stopped to get gas and cigarettes(??!!!??). He went to the hospital there in St. Johns, but they didn't have the proper services, and they transported him to the right place. This is when he told them he'd been shot, and the hospital called 911. Why he didn't call, i don't know.

    There had been little blood because the entrance wound was the only opening, as the bullet never exited. It travelled 15 inches through his abdomen and lodged in his leg! They gave him a local anesthetic, and removed the bullet intact. The nurse said she'd never seen anybody survive a shot with a .38 hollowpoint, and the doctor told him it was shot at such close range that it never had a chance to "spool up" and be able to fragment, and that it only hit flesh so it never flattened. A very fortunate thing. Had the bulled exited because Tom's body position had been different, or the bullet had come from a different angle, or hit a bone, or just about anywhere else, he'd have at the very least be missing some part of him, or have bled to death. No major organs hit. Not his bladder, not his intestines. Just flesh. (Tom's a bigger guy, and the doc said that helped him!)

    God bless Tom, he didn't take any pain meds beside the local, and he then drove himself home where the cops got the gun and bullet that was removed from his leg.

    I got a call and a few texts from Tom and the police in the middle of the night, but didn't answer because I normally get drunk calls from friends back home in Wisconsin around that time, but at about 5 a.m. I checked my phone, and saw a text that said "been shot by chris. @ legacy emanuel". Like, what the fuck, dude???? Really??!! When I found out Chris was on the loose, I became concerned, of course. I knew he was unstable, and probably preferred to kill me as much as he did Tom. That's when I posted a pic of a similar van to his on my facebook page, and pretty much sounded like a crazy guy myself by saying "THIS ISN'T A JOKE" a bunch of times.

    That afternoon my girlfriend Toni and I went shopping. Chris still was on the loose. We went to a couple stores, then Fred Meyer. I had texted Tom asking what was his favorite vegetable, as we were getting some food and supplies for him. In the middle of the produce section I began crying, really inexplicably. Toni asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't know. "I have an overwhelming sense of dread right now" was the only explanation I had. Ten minutes later I got a text from Tom saying verbatim:"cauliflower, but christopher just showed up and peabody is on his way". Peabody is the cop Tom had talked to the night before. I immediately called Tom and he said he was barricaded up in his room with a rifle and his dog. I then called 911 and explained the situation.

    Toni and I drove up to the farm, and upon cresting the hill, saw no cops. I called 911 again, and they said they were staging. Long story short, the cops started showing up one after the other, and by the time an hour and a half had passed, there were 13 cops in riot gear, with a canine unit, and a ambulance on standby. I helped by describing that the front door didn't open, and diagramming the whole property and house. They waited until it was dark, and slowly went down there, and spied on things for a while, before calling Chris on the phone and asking him to come out, which he did.
    It's truly great that he did, as he is just looney enough for it to have gone either, or any way.

    So, Tom Bengston is a tough motherfucker. Let that be known. He is very sore and doesn't feel like climbing those stairs up to his room, so I have set him up in one of the downstairs rooms with a nice bed, space heater, t.v., vcr and dvd player, and even an Elvis poster to liven up the place. He was watching "Anchorman" for the first time when I saw him last, was planning on watching "Caddyshack" next,  and eating cookies. Oh yeah, the one thing about Chris that is good: he stockpiled chocolate, cookie dough, meat, wine, and beer when it was on sale. So Tom's got that going for him, which is nice.

    here's a pic of all the coppers coming in to gittim:
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200109261634372&set=a.4161379312854.2181991.1235217961&type=1&theater

    here's the audio/video of the scanner when they got chris:
     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzsZGIRBNUk

    here's chris' mugshot and list of preliminary charges:
    http://www.co.columbia.or.us/sheriff/inmates/ICUD0032.HTM


    Monday, August 22, 2011

    My Day Coyote Hunting: Not a Revenge Story, but a Redempion Story of a Chicken-Owning Footsoldier/Mercenary of Death

    First of all, listen to THIS music while you read this story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYv1HT_eXdQ&feature=related


    It was a cloudy morning. Just like it had been 6 days prior. When this all began. The same time of day. The same kind of way: with some killin needin to be done.
    The rebels infiltrated the perimeter that day, and got two of our youngest recruits. A couple of chickens who weren't chicken at all. Their lives snuffed from them like a weedwacker to a newly-opened flower. Now it was going to be THEIR turn. To feel what it's like.. To be hunted..
    I set out as soon as I could get to it, armed to the teeth. I was wearing a savage Rambo-esque headband, as I anticipated spraying bullets as well as sweating them. With conventional arms: a .22 magnum rifle with a 3X7 coyote-scope, and plenty of hollow-point coyote killin power. Chemical arms: some varmint gasbombs that claim to work on skunks and everything if you throw it in their den. (I know this may be against Geneva Convention, but, honestly, an enemy like this has to be attacked where they live without prejudice to archaic rules written without full consideration or understanding of what future warfare would look like...) And beer.
    I set out following the trail I'd discovered on a recon mission the day before. The Pacific Northwest wilderness is thick. Travel was slow and deliberate. Like a bug navigating through a dreadlock. Reminded me of north danang... danang north c.... goddamn auto-correct... I meant, it reminded me of dang north california back in the dang day. Fuck. Back in the shit.
    I quickly realized the previous day's mission was incomplete. There were plenty of indications the enemy had been moving about at will. Constantly. And that it would take my keenest instincts to be sure I was on the right trail. So, I took a left. Up the hill. Into the shit. No, really, it's a cattle ranch, so, although there's all kinds of cowpatties everywhere, the cows make some pretty good trails to walk on, so...
    I pressed onward and was rewarded almost immediately: Feathers! A big pile, which indicated I should consider their steps in a new light: holyshit there's more fucking coyotes out here than I thought. I mean, if they're dragging chickens back to two separate dens, then I've got a buttload more ground to cover...So I kept going. And found more signs. Of more death and torture. It looked like they've been catching the neighbor's chickens and maybe a couple grouse. Grouses? Grice..? Anyway, I trecked on.
    Up one hill. Down another. Down into the valley. Steep and unyielding. More piles of feathers. I was getting closer. I could sense it. From every vantage point I could feel they had been there. WERE there.
    I mean, there were trails everywhere fer christ's sake and piles of shit that had all kinds of different things in it. I had to be getting REALLY close. I was almost sure of it..and then BAM! Red poking fire burning like a hotcoal sharkbite. Fire climbing up my leg! Goddamn stinging nettles. I shouldn't have worn shorts, but it was hot and shit.. so, i went looking for the antidote plant. Which I learned about in my life training. I found one near a patch of clover, so, while rubbing in the soothing goodness of my broadleaf savior, I searched for the elusive goodluck fourleaf bastard. It remained elusive. (Y'know, I've spent hours over decades looking for them sumbitches, and I think it's a snipehunt. Everyone who claims they've found one must have macgyvered some shit to look like it) Anyway..
    All the way down in the gulch now, I crossed, on a fallen log, a tributary of the mighty Columbia river. It was only a foot wide, but I'm sure it eventually makes it there, and there was lots of mud, so...I made it across and jumped down off the log then CRASH! CRACKLE! It sounded like a bull elephant rampaging through the trees and brush only tens of feet away! It turned out it was just a regular bull, but that's enough for me, so, I decided I'd just go the other way, as I had a whole lotta ground to cover...
    Marching. Plodding. Sometimes crawling. I had checked many optimum hiding places at this point. Had spent hours sweating through my savage headband, and carrying at least 10 cobwebs- with spiders dangling- from my beard and clothing, which was now soaked as well. I had one un-used option at my disposal. Then it happenned: "GRRRUUMMBLBLE!!" Shit. I should have brought a sandwich. My growling stomach would surely scare any enemy away. And I was out of beer. So I started the long haul back.
    But, a while ago, I'd managed to acquire a small bottle of coyote urine by using the X-mas GI Joe's sporting goods giftcard my old boss gave me before the place went out of business. And, on the way back to homebase, I squirted the stuff on the original trail I'd identified as being used by the bastards during my recon mission. So, this mission wasn't another info-gathering trek after all. I set the bait all the way to a field where I hope to now have a clear view of the adversary. Tonight....

    TO BE CONTINUED...

    Friday, February 18, 2011

    Nobody likes minnesota

    No-one Likes Minnesota
    by warvette

    there are many reasons why no-one likes minnesota

    near-beer and dead deer, minnesotans party hardy
    vikings sure do make you snore, can hear you through your trailer door
    tie-dyed shirts and hiking boots: the standard uniform you wear
    i hope your hippie ass gets eaten by a punkrock grizzly bear

    there's more reasons why i don't like minnesota
    there's many reasons nobody likes minnesota

    minnesotans pride themselves on being the outdoorsy type
    they go outside to use the potty- even jesse the governing body
    that reminds me of some of the minnesotans i do not adore
    the vikings, twinkies, timberwolves and goofy-looking craig kilborn
    bad haircuts and bad ideas, and self-important to the core
    all along the watchtower was purple rain, need i say more?

    there's many reasons why i don't like minnesota
    how can anybody stand minnesota?

    cuz if you travel far and wide, and tan your pale minnesotan hide
    and get some culture inside ya- you'd stop being a little canada

    there's a lot more reasons no-one likes minnesota

    your state is flatter than wisconsin, you ain't got no rolling hills
    and you lost four superbowls: you may as well be the buffalo bills
    have you seen the gold and green smashing through your tv screen?
    indoor football go away, and take minnesota wit ya, hey!

    i don't like minnesota
    i don't like minnesota
    i don't like minnesota
    no-one likes minnesota

    Friday, January 28, 2011

    • Unrealistic expectations

      Come around to my way of thinking....



      In the mid 1940's a world war had just ended, which destroyed every other industrialized country in the world's ability to build products. The recovery effort was top priority. The only country not extensively attacked, the United States, was left to supply the world for the next decade with heavy machinery, and durable consumer goods. This resulted in an incredible jump in the U.S. standard of living, as everybody could be employed with a high paying job. Ever talk to an old person? Shit, it seems like they all want America to go back to the 50's or something. I'm sure it was the good old days! But go back to the 50's?!?
      Here's why we can't: The other countries began recovering from rebuilding, and our large chunk of global trade began to shrink. More and more nations with large populations became industrialized, and reality began setting in during the 60's and 70's, as - single income households were no longer feasible. Women's lib? A necessity. The country was used to a standard of living, and a certain amount of money was needed to buy the new things made available. Wives went to work.
      The 80's and 90's? Sucker, please. Credit cards? That's gonna keep everyone living the high life when it's clearly not real?!?
      All of this. To service an ideal held by a generation that keeps thinking we can return to sweeter times.
      I've seen the future, old timer. It looks just like your very distant past...