It's football season, thank god, and people
are expressing their fandom and hatred in the only way that is truly honorable:
arguing anonymously with strangers on the internet!
Remember madlibs? Well, here's a ripoff of that- a quick and easy way to respond
to these losers on the web (not you. those other people) when they taunt you or
try to hurt your feelings for liking the team you like. Just fill in the blanks!
Hey, _____. Why don't you go to ______ and ______ yourself. _____ your
whole_____! Your team is ______ and will never win______! I don't know why all
you_____keep saying the same _____ year after year because ______always seems to
happen. We have ______so it doesn't matter what you ______, ______! Your _____
mother should've made your dad wear a _____! I'll bet you ______ all the time,
except for when _____ games are on t.v., then you just ______. Eat _____ and
_____! It will be so ____ when the _____ gets revealed for the _____ they are.
Now, please just go back to your ______ and ______, because the real football
_____ are ______!
So, just copy and paste, fill in the blanks and, viola! Beautiful music! You can
leave your version in the comments section below- here's how i would fill out mine!:
Hey, friend. Why don't you go to the game and enjoy yourself. Take your whole
family! Your team is important and will never win without the fans! I don't know
why all you wouldn't want to keep saying the same cheers year after year because
success always seems to happen. We have team spirit too so it doesn't matter
what you yell, we love it! Your loving mother should've made your dad wear a
sweater! I'll bet you freeze all the time, except for when late season games are
on t.v., then you just save money. Eat cheaply and nutritiously! It will be so
joyous when the soy brat gets revealed for the future for which they are. Now,
please just go back to your day's work and save your money, because the real
football memories are yet to come!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
From the archives.
(Note: I recently remembered this story and I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations has expired, so..)
If I can say so myself, my coolness as a kid knew no bounds. I was largely ignored as a child (oh, boo hoo) which allowed me to get away with all kinds of shit. It was awesome. Flying under the radar has been my m.o. forever, but when I was 11 I began acting up to get attention. We had just moved after Ma remarried, and I was stuck with adjusting to a new school full of snooty shitheads in the middle of my 6th grade year.
One day I was being a dick in Mrs. VanGrinzven's class- I'm pretty sure I called her Mrs. Van Grizzly-bear to her face- and she dragged me down the hall by the ear to the principal's office. The principal was busy, so I had to sit and wait for the hammer to fall. I waited.. and waited until I realized.."Hey wait. I'm in the principal's office BY MYSELF!"
So, I did what any kid with balls the size of the planets would do- I started rifling through the drawers in the pricipal's desk. Well, right there in the top drawer was a stack of tickets for the Appleton Foxes minor-league baseball team! A whole stack! All general seating. Well, I helped myself to 5 of them, stuck them in my pocket and returned to my seat, nobody the wiser.
Now, I don't remember if I ever asked anyone else to go (I had no friends and probably just wanted to keep my mouth shut), or just wanted to cash in all the free hotdog and soda vouchers printed on the back of the tickets, but I somehow got a ride to and from the game and just sat there, by myself, not even at all interested in baseball, and ate 5 hotdogs and drank 5 sodas. At the age of 11, this was the equivelant of doing mental high-fives with God.
I don't have any kids, (allegedly) but I can't help but think that, if I had a son that pulled the same caper, I would first laugh, then cry because- hey, the kid's all growed up and ready to take on the whole fucking world and doesn't need ME anymore!
If I can say so myself, my coolness as a kid knew no bounds. I was largely ignored as a child (oh, boo hoo) which allowed me to get away with all kinds of shit. It was awesome. Flying under the radar has been my m.o. forever, but when I was 11 I began acting up to get attention. We had just moved after Ma remarried, and I was stuck with adjusting to a new school full of snooty shitheads in the middle of my 6th grade year.
One day I was being a dick in Mrs. VanGrinzven's class- I'm pretty sure I called her Mrs. Van Grizzly-bear to her face- and she dragged me down the hall by the ear to the principal's office. The principal was busy, so I had to sit and wait for the hammer to fall. I waited.. and waited until I realized.."Hey wait. I'm in the principal's office BY MYSELF!"
So, I did what any kid with balls the size of the planets would do- I started rifling through the drawers in the pricipal's desk. Well, right there in the top drawer was a stack of tickets for the Appleton Foxes minor-league baseball team! A whole stack! All general seating. Well, I helped myself to 5 of them, stuck them in my pocket and returned to my seat, nobody the wiser.
Now, I don't remember if I ever asked anyone else to go (I had no friends and probably just wanted to keep my mouth shut), or just wanted to cash in all the free hotdog and soda vouchers printed on the back of the tickets, but I somehow got a ride to and from the game and just sat there, by myself, not even at all interested in baseball, and ate 5 hotdogs and drank 5 sodas. At the age of 11, this was the equivelant of doing mental high-fives with God.
I don't have any kids, (allegedly) but I can't help but think that, if I had a son that pulled the same caper, I would first laugh, then cry because- hey, the kid's all growed up and ready to take on the whole fucking world and doesn't need ME anymore!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Why "standard of living" is silly.
Come around to my way of thinking....
In the mid 1940's a world war had just ended, which destroyed every other industrialized country in the world's ability to build products. The recovery effort was top priority. The only country not extensively attacked, the United States, was left to supply the world for the next decade with heavy machinery, and durable consumer goods. This resulted in an incredible jump in the U.S. standard of living, as everybody could be employed with a high paying job. Ever talk to an old person? Shit, it seems like they all want America to go back to the 50's or something. I'm sure it was the good old days! But go back to the 50's?!?
Here's why we can't: The other countries began recovering from rebuilding, and our large chunk of global trade began to shrink. More and more nations with large populations became industrialized, and reality began setting in during the 60's and 70's, as - single income households were no longer feasible. Women's lib? A necessity. The country was used to a standard of living, and a certain amount of money was needed to buy the new things made available. Wives went to work.
The 80's and 90's? Sucker, please. Credit cards? That's gonna keep everyone living the high life when it's clearly not real?!?
All of this. To service an ideal held by a generation that keeps thinking we can return to sweeter times.
I've seen the future, old timer. It looks just like your very distant past..
In the mid 1940's a world war had just ended, which destroyed every other industrialized country in the world's ability to build products. The recovery effort was top priority. The only country not extensively attacked, the United States, was left to supply the world for the next decade with heavy machinery, and durable consumer goods. This resulted in an incredible jump in the U.S. standard of living, as everybody could be employed with a high paying job. Ever talk to an old person? Shit, it seems like they all want America to go back to the 50's or something. I'm sure it was the good old days! But go back to the 50's?!?
Here's why we can't: The other countries began recovering from rebuilding, and our large chunk of global trade began to shrink. More and more nations with large populations became industrialized, and reality began setting in during the 60's and 70's, as - single income households were no longer feasible. Women's lib? A necessity. The country was used to a standard of living, and a certain amount of money was needed to buy the new things made available. Wives went to work.
The 80's and 90's? Sucker, please. Credit cards? That's gonna keep everyone living the high life when it's clearly not real?!?
All of this. To service an ideal held by a generation that keeps thinking we can return to sweeter times.
I've seen the future, old timer. It looks just like your very distant past..
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